remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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