Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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