So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
