put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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