You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize