I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
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