dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
being pregnant is like rehab
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize