I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just gargled with NyQuil
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize