I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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