The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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