Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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