we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
