Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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