We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
