My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
