He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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