I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My vagina is officially offended.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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