if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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