do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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