All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
