So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
