just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
