Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
