you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize