why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
