I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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