I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
