I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
