A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize