I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
