sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
