Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize