I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
