God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
