so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
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