I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
