I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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