Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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