"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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