You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
