I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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