I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
