So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
