Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
