I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
