I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
