John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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