Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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