he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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