thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize