That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
