I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
