I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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