Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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