Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
