I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
