I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
