I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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