I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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