you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
