this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize