There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
