You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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