It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
