you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
