I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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