"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
