i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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