OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
