My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
