I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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