Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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