if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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