Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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